You never forget
by JustAnotherPhan33
Summary: High trigger warning. Read with caution and enjoy! You never really forget your first cut. New chapter up. It does suck though. So apologies. thanks if you read it, or review it or whatever. I appreciate it! :) 3
1. Chapter 1

You never truly forget your first cut. The fear and pain in your eyes. Sitting on the bathroom floor, that's where it happened for me. I can't remember why I did it exactly. Bad day at school, I think. They were mocking me again, pushing me, laughing at me. It didn't happen quickly. I sat on my bed for ages just staring at my sharpener. Waiting for someone to run in and tell me to stop. But no-one did. I was alone.

I grabbed it and ran into my bathroom, I locked the door and sat on the edge of the bathtub. I wasn't too sure how to get the blade out. No-one had told me how. I moved across the room and grabbed some scissors and took the blade out. It took me a couple of minutes, but I did it. I sat back on the bath, and held out my wrist. I stared at the blade, turning it in my hand. Did I really want to do this? 'Just do it, you pathetic creature' the voice in my head was loud. I pushed the blade into my wrist. Gently at first, seeing if anything would happen. The blood started dripping after a couple of seconds. One cut, two cuts, three cuts.

There was a knock at the door. 'Dan, are you OK?' It was my mother.

'Yeah, I'm fine.' I tried to choke out. I didn't realise I had started to cry. I dropped the blade and walked over to the sink. I cleaned the blood away, but every time I did, a new bit would trickle down my arm. After it was only bleeding a little bit, I pulled my sleeve down and walked out, as if nothing had happened. I threw the blade in the bin because I was never doing that again. It didn't help at all. I still feel shit, but now I'm scarred as well. Never again, I told myself. 'Do you really believe that?' the voice whispered into my ear.

. . . . . . . . .

4 years later

You never forget your last cut. It had been a bad day. Arguments with Phil, money problems, hiding my scars, having to eat even though I'm fat enough. Just another day I guess. Why? Why do I keep letting each day beat me down? I knew what I had to do, to get it to stop. Phil had gone to the shop, I was alone. Again. I sat on my bed staring at my sharpener. I grabbed it one last time and walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I knew Phil wouldn't be home for a while, but it seemed right. To finish how I had started. I sat on the edge of the bathtub. Deja vu. It took me a second to get the blade out, years of practise. I pulled my sleeve up to reveal a battlefield on my arm. This is it, no turning back now. 'Just do it already' I've gotten used to the voice now. He's my best friend. I lower the blade to my skin. One cut, two cuts, three cuts. The room started spinning. I could feel it happening. The world was getting darker. 'Finally' the voice spoke, one final time.

. . . . . . . . .


	2. Chapter 2

Phils POV.

I think something is wrong with Dan. I can't explain it exactly, but recently he's been, well, distant. To be fair, when we first meet, he wasn't exactly sunshine and daisies, but you could hold a conversation with him for more than 10 minutes. We meet 2 years ago, and honestly I fell in love with him after about a week. Everything about him made me smile. We started dating 3 months after that and then we moved in together a year later.

I knew he had some problems, but don't we all? He never really liked to talk about them in detail, but he was wearing long sleeves all year round. It wasn't hard to guess. I tried talking about it to him, but he'd just push me away and walk out of the room. So in the end, I guess I just gave up trying to help. We've been arguing more and more. I know it's affecting him, but he still won't open up.

. . . . . . .

We've just finished having an argument and I stormed out. I should probably go back, I don't even remember what started the fight. Something about money I think. I'll just wonder around the shop for a bit, then go back and apologise. Again. I don't even know what to say. It's always like this, me being the one to say sorry first. It's not even my fault, but he's so stubborn he refuses to say anything. I sometimes wonder why I'm still with him. Then I remember that I wouldn't be able to survive without him.

I started heading back. I just need to get this over and done with. I opened the door slowly, because normally he falls asleep after arguments. I went into his room, and slowly pushed open the door. 'Dan? Are you in here?' No reply. I walked over to my room and looked in. No-one. OK this is weird. Where is he? 'Dan? Where are you?' I saw the bathroom door was closed and knocked softly. 'Dan? Look come on out, and we can sort this all out.' Again, no reply. 'Look, I'm coming in because you're scaring me.' I tried pushing the door open but it was locked.

My heart dropped. 'Dan, come on, this isn't funny. Just open the door. Please.' I started franticly banging on the door. 'I will break this door down. Please, you're worrying me now.' No reply, no sound. Nothing. I ran to the kitchen to look for something to use. Why don't we have any fucking hammers or something? I grabbed a baseball bat from the closet, and ran back to the bathroom. It took me five swings to get the door to open.

I immediately dropped onto my knees. I pulled myself over to his body, and leant him against the bathtub. There was blood everywhere. It looked like a murder scene. 'Dan, please, please wake up.' I started shaking him. I let him go and ran to get a phone. 'Hi, I need an ambulance now. It's an emergency.' The voice on the other side of the phone is calm. I give her my address and she asks what's wrong. 'My boyfriend. He's..' I can't seem to get the words out. The tears had started streaming down my face. 'He's committed suicide. Please hurry. I can't loose him.' The women tells me that they're on their way and I hang up.

. . . . . . . .

The ambulance comes quite quickly, and they place him on a stretcher and wheel him into the ambulance. I sit next to him the whole ride there. The whole process is over very quickly. It was a case of we got there, they took him away from me, and told me sit and wait.

I waited for what felt like hours, until a doctor walked over to me with a sour face and I immediately stand up. He avoids my eyes as he says the words, 'I'm sorry for your loss.' I brake down. I can't take it. My whole world shattered, I've lost him. He's gone, and he's not coming back. It's my fault. If I had just apologised straight away, then this wouldn't have happened. He'd still be here.

I run out of the hospital, and the tears don't stop rolling. I don't know what to do. Where do I go? Who do I tell? What am I going to do?

. . . . . . .

4 Months Later

The funeral was this morning and it was horrible. No-one knew he was in pain, no-one knows why he did it. We never will either.

I walk over to the headstone, and kneel down. 'I miss you Dan, I hope you know that. I really fucking miss you.' I promised myself I wouldn't cry. 'I don't know why you did it, or why you couldn't just come and talk to me. I would've listened.' The first tear rolled down my cheek. I make no attempt to wipe it away. 'You were my best friend. I loved you, so much. You were perfect to me. I don't know why you couldn't see that' I look around me and see people placing flowers at different graves. 'I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I always have been and I always will be. I know you're not here but, I just need you to know that.'

I slowly start to get up and walk away. I turned back again, before I reached the gate. 'Bye Dan' I whispered before leaving. He was my whole life. I don't know how I'll live without him. I know one day I'll probably meet someone new, but one thing Is for sure. I'll never stop loving him.

. . . . . . .


End file.
